Governing the household — how a house is to be ordered治家

Moral influence (風化) runs from those above down to those below, and is handed from those before to those who come after. So when a father is not loving, his son is not filial; when an elder brother is not warm, his younger brother is not respectful; when a husband is not right in his dealings, his wife is not obedient. But where a father is loving and the son goes against him, where an elder brother is warm and the younger is arrogant, where a husband is right and the wife holds him in contempt, these are the ill-made people that heaven has brought forth. They are for punishment to hold down, not for teaching to turn.

When the rod and the sharp word are done away with in a household, the faults of the children show at once; and when punishments are not fitting, the people have nowhere to put hand or foot. Leniency and severity in governing a household are the same as in governing a state.

Confucius said, "Extravagance makes a man overbearing, and frugality makes him narrow; but rather than be overbearing, be narrow." He also said, "Though a man had the fine talents of the Duke of Zhou, if he were proud and mean, the rest would not be worth looking at." So one may be frugal, but one may not be mean. To be frugal is to save and cut back so as to keep to the rites. To be mean is to leave the poor and the desperate uncared for. In our day a man who gives is extravagant, and a man who is frugal is mean. To be able to give without extravagance, and to be frugal without meanness, would be well.

The root of the people's life is to farm for food and to clothe themselves from mulberry and hemp. The vegetables and the fruit that are stored come from the field and the yard, and the best of the fowl and the pigs come from the roost and the pen. On to the house itself and the vessels in it, to firewood, oil and candles, there is nothing that does not come of planting and raising. A man who keeps well to his own livelihood has enough to live on with his gate shut; only there is no well of salt in his house. The custom of the northern land in our day is generally to be frugal in one's own person and sparing in what one uses, and so to have clothes and food in plenty; in Jiangnan people are extravagant, and many fall short of this.

In the time of Emperor Xiaoyuan of Liang there was a Secretariat Drafter who lost all measure in governing his household and was severe and harsh beyond reason. In the end his wife and his concubines together put up money for an assassin, who watched for the hour when he was drunk and killed him.

The noted gentlemen of the world work at nothing but being generous and kind. Yet in eating and drinking and in the sending of gifts, the servants make away with part of it; in giving favors and making promises, the wife and children cut the amount down; guests are treated with contempt and the people of the village are preyed upon. This too is the great worm in a household.

Fang Wenlie, Vice Minister of Personnel of Qi, was never known to fly into a rage. Once, after a long spell of rain had left the house without grain, he sent a maidservant to buy rice, and she ran off then and there and was caught only three or four days later. Fang said slowly, "There is nothing to eat in the whole house. Where have you come from?" and in the end he did not take the rod to her. Once, while he was lodging in another man's house, his servants pulled the building apart for firewood until almost nothing was left; when he heard of it he only knit his brows, and said not a word.

Pei Ziye took in and kept every distant relative and every old retainer who was hungry and cold and could not keep himself alive. His house was poor and clean from the first, and when flood or drought came he would make thin gruel out of two piculs of rice so that it barely went around, and he ate the same himself, and never showed a face of distaste. At Ye there was a Commander of the Guard whose greed for hoarding went to great lengths. He had eight hundred house slaves and swore he would make it a thousand. He fixed each person's food at fifteen coins for the morning and the evening, and when a guest came there was nothing more to set out. Later he was found guilty of a crime and put to the law, and when his property was seized there was a roomful of hemp sandals and several storehouses of worn-out clothes, and the other goods and treasures were past telling. In Nanyang there was a man whose household was wealthy and deep in means, and whose nature was uncommonly close and mean. After the winter solstice his son-in-law came to call on him, and he set out one bronze bowl of wine and a few slices of roe deer meat. The son-in-law resented how bare it was and finished the whole of it at one go. The host was startled, and unwillingly ordered more brought out, and this happened twice. When the son-in-law had gone, the man scolded his daughter, saying, "That husband of yours likes his wine. That is why you are always poor." After his death his sons quarreled over the property, and the elder brother ended by killing the younger.

A wife has charge of what is within, and her business is only the rites of wine and food and clothing. In the state she must not be allowed to take part in government, and in the household she must not be allowed to direct great affairs. Even if she is quick and gifted and wise, and knows the ancient and the modern through and through, her place is to support the gentleman and make up what he lacks. There must never be a hen crowing at dawn and bringing calamity down.

The women of Jiangdong hardly go about among others at all. Even households joined by marriage may go ten years and more without the women knowing each other's faces, and they only send word and gifts to convey their warm regard. The custom at Ye is that the wife alone runs the house. She disputes the right and wrong of lawsuits, goes calling to press her requests and to meet the great; carriages fill the streets and silk gowns crowd the government offices, as she seeks office in her son's place and pleads her husband's grievances. Is this what is left of the ways of Heng and Dai? The poorer houses of the south all work at outward show. Their carriages and their clothes must be costly and trim, while the family and the wife and children go hungry and cold. In Hebei the business of the household commonly comes out of what the wife arranges, and silk and gold and kingfisher blue may not be left off, while a lean horse and a haggard servant are only just enough to make up the show. As for the rites between husband and wife, they sometimes address each other in plain familiar terms.

The women of Hebei are far better than those of Jiangdong at weaving and spinning and twisting cord, and at the work of figured silk, brocade, embroidery and fine gauze.

Taigong said, "To raise too many daughters is one kind of waste." Chen Fan said, "Even a thief passes by the gate of a house with five daughters." A daughter is indeed a heavy burden. Yet heaven brings forth the whole people, and the forebears pass on the body; what is to be done about that? People of the world commonly do not raise their daughters, and so do violence to their own flesh and blood. How can a man do this and still look to heaven for blessing? I have a distant relative whose house was full of singing girls and concubines. When a birth was near he would send a gatekeeper to stand watch. As soon as one of them felt unwell, he would peer in at the window and lean at the door, and if a daughter was born he would carry her off at once. The mother would follow after, crying aloud, and no one could bear to hear it.

It is the way of women, for the most part, to favor the son-in-law and to be cruel to the daughter-in-law. Favor the son-in-law, and resentment springs up among the brothers. Be cruel to the daughter-in-law, and the sisters carry slander about. So whether a daughter marries out or stays at home, she draws blame in the house she lives in, and it is the mother who truly brings it on her. There is even a proverb that runs, "The mother-in-law's tray is a bare one." That is the repayment. It is a common fault of households; how can one fail to take warning?

That marriage should be made between houses of like standing is the rule Marquis Jing (靖侯) laid down. In the marriages of recent times it has come to selling a daughter and taking goods for her, and buying a wife and handing over silk. Fathers and grandfathers (父祖) are weighed against each other and small coins are counted up, much is demanded and little is given back, and it is no different from the marketplace. In one house a low-bred son-in-law sits inside the gate, in another an arrogant wife rules the household. Men grasp at glory and profit, and draw down shame instead. How can one fail to be careful?

Books borrowed from others must all be cherished and cared for, and where they are already torn or damaged they should be mended and repaired at once. This too is one of the hundred acts of a gentleman. Jiang Lu of Jiyang, before he had finished reading, would never rise until the scroll was rolled and tied up neatly, however urgent the business; so nothing of his was damaged or spoiled, and people did not mind when he asked to borrow. Some scatter books about the desk in disorder and leave the volumes and cases apart, so that many are soiled by children and maidservants and ruined by wind and rain and worms and rats; and this is truly a burden on a man's character. Whenever I read the books of the sages, I have never failed to face them with gravity and respect. If an old sheet of paper carries a phrase or a meaning from the Five Classics, or the name of a man of worth and standing, I do not dare put it to any dirty use.

In my house, praying and making requests to shamans and sorcerers is not so much as spoken of, and no prayers are made with charms or at the jiao rite (醮祭). You have all seen this yourselves. Do not spend money on what is uncanny and false.