Receiving the Royal Directive, and Asking Leave to See My Aged Mother有。旨祗受後仍請解職歸見老母狀
臣於楊州道中祗受承政院有。旨書狀以臣呈辭歸覲雖出於人子之至情目今南賊尙未渡海西邊又有警報國事艱危甚於前日此豈大臣顧念私家之時乎輕易去國物情悶欝停行還來事有。旨臣俯伏路次惶懼隕越不知所出臣添在大臣之列不念國事艱危徒以區區私情陳瀆。聖聽動招物議有此狼狽失措之事臣罪固難容於萬死矣顚沛道路進退維谷俯仰慙靦罔知所達臣之一家情事他人豈能盡知今日在朝之臣豈有九十之母遠在千里之外三年不得相見如臣者哉宜人情之不見諒也臣若母病不深事勢稍可遲留當此寒月臣以經年病喘何必忍死扶曳跋涉脩程乎誠有所不得已也臣母亂離以後多喪女息憂傷成病今又以念臣之故病勢增添臣之不孝極矣如是而臣忍心不歸諉之曰待國事寧帖國事寧帖旣非朝暮可期其時臣母之存與否又可必耶臣言之至此不能爲心夫母子之情自臣一家而言則固是私事若以。朝廷使人之道而言之則亦天下公理自古世雖危難而此路不可蕪廢今以臣之無狀而公議之不容如此臣所自致尙何言哉臣伏念。聖恩如天無物不遂前此固哀臣之至情難抑已許他大臣出仕後歸省臣祇奉。明旨計日以待今則左相金應南已出供職廟堂不爲無人邊事雖急軍國重務自當句管臣則於此𨻶歸見垂死之母公義私情可謂兩行不悖而出城半日。嚴命又下促臣還。朝臣欲進不得欲去亦難神精瞀亂惶惑失措心火熾發病又添加僵仆於荒墟草野之間呻吟待。命伏乞。聖慈哀之悶之令臣仍奉前。旨寸寸下去以見老母而還如大臣之任不可久曠則亟遞臣職命使臣安心時月之間少免癏曠之罪公私兼濟尤出陶鎔不勝涕泣祈祝之至
On the road at Yangju I reverently received a directive letter from the Royal Secretariat (承政院). In it Your Majesty said: though my asking to resign and go to see my parent came of a child's utmost feeling, the southern enemy has not yet crossed the sea and there are alarms again on the western frontier, so that the hardship and peril of the state's business is worse than before; how should this be a time for a chief minister to look to his private household? To leave the country lightly makes public feeling uneasy; stop where I am going and come back. I prostrated myself by the roadside in awe, my spirit failing me, and did not know what to do.
Standing in the ranks of the chief ministers, I gave no thought to the hardship and peril of the state's business, and with nothing but a petty private feeling I troubled Your Majesty's hearing and raised public talk; and so I am brought to this ruin and have lost all countenance. My offense could hardly be pardoned though I died ten thousand deaths. I have fallen down upon the road and am blocked alike in going forward and in going back, and looking down and looking up I am ashamed and do not know what to report.
How should others know the whole of my household's case? Among the officials at court today, where is there another like me, whose ninety-year-old mother is a thousand li away and whom he has not seen for three years? It is only natural that men's feeling does not take it into account. If my mother's illness were not grave and the circumstances allowed me to stay even a little, why in this cold month, with a sick breath that has dragged on past the year, would I bear with death and drag my body over and across so long a road? There is truly something I cannot help.
Since the troubles my mother has lost several of her daughters, and grief and sorrow have turned to sickness in her; and now her illness has grown worse from thinking of me besides. My unfiliality is utter. And if even so I were to harden my heart and not go back, and put it off saying that I shall wait until the state's business is at peace — the state's business coming to peace is not a thing to be looked for in a morning or an evening, and how could I be sure that my mother would be alive by then? Coming this far in my words, I cannot command my heart.
The feeling between mother and child, spoken of as my own household's affair, is indeed a private thing; but spoken of as the way in which a court employs men, it is also a principle common to all under heaven. From of old, though the age was perilous and disordered, this way could never be let lie waste and done away with. That I, being of no account, am so little allowed by public opinion is a thing I have brought upon myself, and what more should I say?
I prostrate myself and consider that Your Majesty's grace is like heaven, and there is nothing it cannot accomplish. Before this you truly pitied my utmost feeling, saying it was hard to put down, and already granted that I might go back and look to her once another chief minister had come and taken office. I reverently received that clear command and waited, counting the days. Now Kim Eungnam (金應南), the Left State Councilor, has already come and taken up his duties, so the state council (廟堂) is not without men; and though the frontier business is urgent, there are those whose charge it is to govern the weighty affairs of army and state. If I go back in this interval and see my dying mother, it may be said that the common duty and the private feeling are both fulfilled and neither is wronged.
Yet half a day after I left the city a stern command came down again, pressing me to return to court. I cannot gain leave to go forward, and to go on is hard as well. My mind is dizzy and far away and bewildered, and I have lost all countenance; the fire in my heart (心火) has risen as though it burned and my illness has grown worse again, so that I lie groaning among the grass of a waste place and wait upon Your Majesty's command.
I prostrate myself and beg that Your Majesty pity me and take compassion, and let me follow the directive given before and go down inch by inch to see my aged mother and return. If the charge of a chief minister cannot be left long empty, then let my office be quickly given to another, and let me set my heart at rest and be spared at least a little of the guilt of leaving my duties empty for a month or two. That public and private should both be fulfilled will come the more from Your Majesty's teaching and nurture, and I cannot master the utmost of my weeping entreaty.
Interlinear notes 1
甲午冬
Winter of the Gabo year.